Second time this year feel like I should dig a hole in the ground and burrow to hide from reality.
Basically all is no bueno. Can't focus, can't feel any joy or happiness. There's just this paralyzing realization of how the time is progressing, and how I am still stuck.
Of course, the obvious culprit is my mental illness, but none the less, I am tired of everything. Bland, dull, tasteless and fruitless existence is unbearable these days. And worst part is knowledge that there's no shortcut, no quick way to stop it.
And my left nostril is whistling for a week now and it's also driving me mad.
Anyway, this year I was trying, or pretending I am trying, to fit in some sort of niche. That I can do something and even grab some cash doing it. But I can't.
Call it vanity, but my biggest motivation for a long time was attention and clout, and for the long time of my younger life, my works, my art, was the catalyst for it. Internet though, especially recently, just revised how things are. Or at least, how I feel about things. And I feel very average, or as someone not so special. Felt like that for a long time actually, and it burned me inside-out.
Seeing creative people renders me jealous. It is pitiful, and don't want to be like that...
Now I need another break.
Hopefully will be back in better shape, and hopefully it still be this year.
Well, anyways, if you red it: thanks, and I hope you will have a great day!
